Displaced Space
by M. Briggs
Summary: Short story requested by a family member. What is happening to the crew in this Science Fiction Comedy?


Displaced Space

A science fiction comedy by Mark Briggs written in January, 2020. The people and situations in this story are original. Any similarity to real persons or places is unintentional and coincidental.

Captain Cork grabbed his champagne bottle. He turned to his helmsmen an elmsman at heart liking horticulture in science.

"Welcome, Mel. Do you like the helm as an elm?"

"Yes, sir." She said.

"I'm your new Captain. Captain Cork. I like my martini stirred and my boat shaken." He did a dance on the bridge of his ship in front of his crew as attractive as a new tractor beam.

The Red alert tried to come on making a fizzle noise. Red lights flashed anyway.

"What's that?" The new helmsman wondered at her post.

The tactical officer replied. "The Captain doesn't like the sound of the red alert. He's asked the engineers to change it to a more epic tune though they are lazy." The man winked at the Captain applauding the truth.

"It's also against regulations to change it." A strict woman said standing in the back.

The red alert tried to blare again at the approaching ship.

"Who are they?" Mel focused on the viewscreen at a red burning ship.

"It's the Cinder el-Laws." Responded the communication officer. A stout man with too many communications devices on him and around him at this station. Some of them showed video gameplay with the latest fun tech. "They only attack once in 4 months."

"They have come out of their hibernation cycles recently." The strict woman said.

"You know what to do tactical officer." The Captain pretended to slam a drink cup in midair.

"Yes, sir." He responded.

"Fire the futon torpedoes!" The Captain ordered taking a fake drink.

From underneath the bridge several decks a replicator created futons of all types. From a large torpedo bay black and white poka dots, all blue sky colored futons, green striped ones, rainbow ones, all kinds hitting the approaching ship.

The approaching ship accepted them putting out some of the fire surrounding it. Though the ship still had enough power to launch an in some knee act ray. It is meant to put enemies to sleep.

It shook the human ship with crew of aliens as well. One of the crew fell asleep on the bridge landing in Captain Corks hands.

"Science officer, didn't he take the right pill?" Cork asked.

"I gave him the option of taking the blue pill or red pill. He needed to take the red one. He said he saw a movie and only liked one of the options." The science officer replied.

"The Cinder el-Laws are a red race." The strict woman said.

"Dog gambit! One of my men is down." Cork waved.

"Don'tcha mean God dammit?" The helmsman looked over to him.

"No, elm. It's a chess and tactical maneuver. Make it so." He ordered her.

The elmsman, I mean helmsman, complied quickly with the order.

The starship rolled onto it's back like a puppy being petted on its belly. Suffice to say the attack failed though that doesn't mean the others will.

"We're not out of the doggy door, I mean darkest hour yet, Captain!" The tactical officer hit buttons. "They're coming around for another pass the football to me."

Captain Cork launched a fast replicated football from the replicator on the bridge.

"Alright lets go!" The tactical officer defended the ship.

Captain Cork went to a table shaped like a martini in front of the view screen.

"You know what to do!" He ordered.

Several officers came out of no where lifting him up like a bottle. He unscrewed his fastened hat letting contents slowly drip into the glass martin-shaped table.

A flash of light occurred from the mixture sending the attacking ship several hundred miles away.

"They're disabled, Captain!" The tactical officer said.

"Great job!" Mel said.

"Thank you, elmsman...I mean, helmsman." The captain replied seeing a displeased Mel.

"Look what you did, Mark. You made me misspeak the sentence." The Captain looks to the ceiling into real life punching the author straight in the nose...

….

….

?

?

:Eyeroll:

"Ok, lets get outta here. Warp factor 8.9 to 9?" Captain Cork said getting intoxicated after drinking a couple shots of alcohol.

"Sir, I can set the speed to 9.9-10 being everywhere at once!" Mel readied a course.

"Oh...so, makeit..." The Cork burped.

"Aye, sir." The pilot Mel sent them off into space.

Important officers accompanied by some crew met in the clean hall not the mess hall. The bald bartender is an ascendant of a guy whole smiles a lot liking to clean things. They all enjoyed their time.

"Shut up, Mark!" Captain Cork took another swing. He missed.

"Captain, who are you talking to?" Mel asked.

"Captain's privilege." Cork began singing the Twelve Days of Space. "On the first parsec of space my crewlove gave to me, a first officer without variety."

The stage behind the bar lit up to a Commander playing a trumpet. The number 12 etched into his red shirt uniform.

"There might be twelve days of space as the title says. It ends when there's only one performer." Captain Cork saluted to the gentlemen. He sung only one line.

"Hello, sir." Mel said to the Commander.

"Don't worry elm..uh..helmsman." Cork stepped forward. "He only plays the trumpet and works all the time."

The handsome commander stared forward out into space playing the trumpet. The window showed their vector of beautiful phenomenon by traveling at high warp.

The crew began whistling except for Mel.

"What's happening?" Mel asked.

"Travel wouldn't be the same without a warp whistle." Cork said. The two officers ordered drinks in a large room devoid of other people. Besides the other two I mentioned already. They turn to look at you as though you're right behind them laughing at you.

This is Mark, the author, did you think the clean hall had a lot of other crewmembers? It has only four total. The Captain and the new pilot wanted to spend time alone getting to know one another first. I should have been more specific about that to you earlier, oh well.

*The rest of the crew enters the clean hall applauding you the reader or readers about that.*

Cork and Mel began moving about the decks. They had sat down at a table shuffling poker cards getting ready for the game. Lt. Woof, a wolf-like person, sat down with them waiting for others to join.

"Mr. Woof where's your yellow shirt today?" Cork asked still drinking some wine.

He stood up beating his chest like tar to sand and hollering.

"What shirt, sir?" He appeared shirtless mostly.

"Attaboy!" Cork rudely reached over the table in front of Mel hug slapping each other.

"Being on duty without a proper uniform is against regulations." The strict women said standing underneath the door frame in the middle to the clean hall.

Cork looks away winking at Mark. "You can learn a thing or two from her, dude."

"Please comment to me again when this story is over, Cork." I say to him.

Cork and Mel move about the ship. Cork pounds his foot on the deck making a thump.

"Can't get enough of that holodeck, holodeck. Can't get enough of that holodeck." He began to tap dance on the hollow deck plates.

"Get down to it, elmsman...I mean helmsman." Cork continued.

"Sir, shouldn't I get to know the names of the other bridge officers as well as the readers?" Mel asked.

"Nah, Mark is too lazy." Cork replied. "They get names if they have enough voice lines."

"What's the number?" Mel asked.

"Ask number one." Cork continued tap dancing.

Mel's face went flat unenthusiastic about it. Then :eyerolled: to herself.

"We've reached the shuttle bay!" Cork shouted as they came to a door.

"Great, sir." Mel replied. "Also, did we need more description of what the inside of the ship looks like to the you know whos?"

"I don't think there's an exact answer to that one." Cork replied.

"Then shall we go into the Shuttle Bay?" Mel asked.

"Nope. Our real destination is engineering?" Cork ran off down the hall.

"This isn't funny." Mel chuckled.

"Then why are you laughing?" Came an ominous voice.

Mel pursued Cork.

Cork then Mel ended up in engineering from the hall.

"What's the large glowing colorful flashing thing?" Mel pointed into the room.

"Oh, that." Cork replied. "The one responsible for getting us going."

In front of the ordinary looking blue Warp Core stood a person. Mel smiled.

"Our Chief Engineer is a shape-shifter." Cork tapped the walls with his hands. They made thuds. "No holodeck here, sunshine." He said to the engineer.

The person changed color moving in motion probably signifying a yes. It looked like a normal humanoid with no clothes full of color.

"Where's that strict woman saying something about regulations?" Mel asked.

"Engineering protocol requires two officers present in here at all times." The strict woman descended the ladder from atop the warp core. She smiled at them.

"Ok, time out." Mel put her hands in a T. "Captain, why do you dance-a-lot? Whose this Mark and is that who you talk to sporadically? I don't know the names of nearly the entire crew. Your drunk most of them time. How do you think new crew members feel? Did your current crew go through this?"

The Captain fell to the ground next to the wall.

"Well, well, well see what you've done?" The engineer asked. "You put him under too much pressure."

"Huh?!" Mel turned to the engineer.

Why don't we promote you to Captain Obvious and see how well you do?" The strict woman said. A screen light up on the wall of the rest of the crew applauding the situation.

"After all we only know you as Mel. Is that short more Melina or Melvana or something?" The engineer asked glowing with interest.

Mel is speechless.

"I'm a physician not a flake?" The Doctor said. "Thanks to phonics some readers might think physician starts with an 'f' and not a 'p'. Don't know how educated the readers all are?"

Captain Cork had woken on a medical bed in sick bay.

"I did it to keep you company, doctor." Cork whispered to the Doctor.

"The equipment, the consoles, the wall can use the company too. You don't have to get drunk to see me or my stuff." The Doctor recommended.

"Oh..yeah." Cork tilted his neck to look up from the bed.

"You can see the walls are full of plaques and memory of me and crew, Captain." The doctor pointed to them.

"You always remind me." Cork said.

"The writing is on the wall." The Doctor looked again to the walls before heading away. "Get some rest here Captain if you want."

The door flew open literally to the sick bay. It landed next to Cork in a small paper origami-like bird figure.

"I'd like to know your name?" Mel asked someone in the hall flying by the sickbay literally using hover boots. She entered sickbay noticing the origami bird on a med bed first.

"Why are you invisible?" Mel asked Cork.

"You can see me?" Cork asked.

"I borrowed this visor. Evidently it belonged to a famous engineer at some point?" Mel set down in the sick bay with the plaques growing eyes looking at her from behind.

"Don't be a bother." Cork said.

"That's what bothers-me, Captain. I can bother-u 2." Mel responded.

"I made you a permanent junior bridge officer not a floater." Cork commented.

"Can I have a manifesto of the crew-a roster of some kind?" Mel responded.

"...And then someday, you'd leave me for somebody new..." Cork tried to move.

"Sounds like an ancient Earth song of some kind." Mel said.

"If I told you about the rest of the crew would you still want to be with me?" Cork asked.

"Are they holograms?" Mel asked.

"No." Cork replied.

"Criminals?" Mel.

"No." Cork.

"Shape-shifters?" Mel.

"Not to my knowledge." Cork.

"Captain?" Mel.

"I think I'm going to pass out?" Cork yawned.

"And is that your real name? Do you act this way because your name is related to alcohol?" Mel moved up.

"Give me a shot." Cork ordered.

Mel looked to a table noticing a phaser and a small glass of yellow substance.

"Which one?" Mel asked.

"You pick." The Captain ordered.

"Camera please." Mel asked the replicator to make one. She grabbed it photographing Cork's embarrassing situation. "Good enough shot, Captain? I'm not the kind who likes to determine someone's pain or pleasure. I'm an elmsman after all."

Cork's head fell to the bed then he remained still.

After a few hours touring the ship Cork and Mel met up with the entire crew in a large shuttle bay. There is enough space for a crew of 250 to fit in the room. They all stood at attention dressed in their best ready for it.

The shuttle passed the forcefield into the shuttle bay. A nice looking shuttle of blacks, reds, and white colors upon it. It shined up like an old penny.

"Whose on board?" Mel asked indiscriminately.

"Shh." Cork replied recovering from his drinking. He slightly staggered in line.

The proud shuttle flew for a couple minutes over the crew before landing in the middle of the room. Writing and description more evident to those closer with 'Apex' as the name of the shuttle viewable my all. It shown in gold bold letters on all four sides of it.

The crew cheered except for Mel and the Strict Woman. Everyone else applauded at the shuttle giving fist bumps, body brushes, high fives, and other forms of unprofessional contact.

"Mel. I don't need to tell you how many regulations this violates." The strict woman stood close to Mel.

People began approaching the shuttle to feel its beauty. They discussed the design to one another. Champagne bottle were brought out to bash across the front.

"Here it comes!" Cork ordered.

Two crew members destroyed the bottles across the front of the shuttle. With it the top of the shuttle opened up. Another ship like it came out to fly over the room and land.

"What's going on?" Mel asked.

"I came prepared." Cork snapped his fingers. The walls opened to bottles of beer with the intention to party bashing ships across their fronts. They were remote controlled with no crew.

"Don't tell me." Mel folded her arms.

"Yes, helmsman there's 99 bottles of them." Cork said. He marched singing about it.

Mel put her hand to her forehead.

She left the room towards her quarters. She entered a room with a case of old Earth quarters since the elmsman is interested in the past.

"I'd better head off with my quarters." She decided to go to her assigned room on the ship with her case of person-less quarters long faded by history.

She entered her normal room with a view of space through the windows.

"Do you love working in the ark?" Came her imagination in the dimly lit room.

Not another pun joke this time. Mel thought to herself. "Dark or ark who cares? I'm ex-haugsted from this terrible story alone."

Mel looked around to her stuff where some of it looked at her back. She had pets like lizards and things cable of seeing. She relaxed going to bed later than sooner.

Mel woke up to a warning sound of the yellow alert. She realized this is real. She got dressed then headed for her station as the lights flashed a soundless red.

"Glad you could make it to the bridge, Mel. Can you get us out of here?" Captain Cork confidently sat in his chair in the middle of the bridge.

The entire bridge crew is in a bow holding out their arms for Mel's honored hot seat. She sat down quickly plotting a course.

"Is it the Cinder El-Laws again?" Mel asked.

"No sir re:" Cork responded. "Worse...it's the Alpha al Phoes."

"Who are they?" Mel responded taking them away.

"Our arch-rivals. We can not outrun them since we've never actually been in a marathon. They've only given out their race name." Captain Cork said bubbly.

"Sir, let me guess, we could outgun them because we might have more advanced tech than them?" Mel responded.

"You take the words right out of my mouth, Mel." Cork joked. "He opened his mouth to a temporary tongue tattoo of 'cork' on it.

Mel used her telekinesis to safely remove the tattoo from his mouth. It floated in the air before dissipating.

"They're gaining on us." The tactical officer assured. "Do you want me to ready weapons?"

"Almost." Cork said.

"They're asking for our surrender." The overburdened communications officer said.

"That's not against regulations, sir." The strict woman said. "Though I can't imagine what they do to their prisoners."

"That's it there's one weapon that'll work against the Alpha al Phoes." Cork said winey.

The entire bridge crew paused at Cork except Mel.

"Are you sure, sir?" The tactical officer asked.

"Bust out the omega, omega cannon!" Cork ordered a pop.

"Aye, sir." The tactical officer ripped of his uniform showing a shirt of weapon tattoos.

He scanned the console with technology in the tattoos to active the weapon.

"The 0mega, omega cannon is perfect against the Alpha al Phoes." Cork celebrated.

"Here we go." Mel said. She maneuvered them safely towards the oncoming ship. The crew witnessed the large ship mostly white and black in the shape of the alpha sign.

The Alpha ship got in a shot at the aquarium part of Cork's ship.

"I don't care about the dam age of the ship! Tell me about the damage of the ship!" Cork ordered to someone down there via intercom.

"Nevermind. Get the weapon ready." Cork ordered.

"Aye, sir." The tactical officer pressed buttons charging the weapon.

"Why not use the main deflector dish?" Mel asked.

"Are you going to spoon feed us suggestions?" Cork asked to Mel. "Any idea what the dish and the spoon have done together?"

"Whoa!" The communications officer and others grabbed onto things from being rocked. The alphas hit them with something.

"They've already had one alpha strike why do they get two?" Mel asked.

"One is a lonely number and it takes two to tango." Another bridge officer said.

"Why am I setting myself up for these things?" Mel thought out loud.

"They missed. Now's our chance!" The tactical officer said.

"Fire!" Cork ordered.

Within seconds rays burst from all over the ship except from the main deflector dish. They spewed and flew through space before exploding near the Alpha ship. The omega, omega cannon worked.

"Successful indirect hit!" Someone chimed in.

"They're retreating." Mel explained. "For a final battle that was pretty anti-climatic."

"You will climb at it, Mel." Cork explained back. "The chain of command that is."

"I'd rather be chained down then/than chained up." Mel said under her voice.

"Feel like a party?" Cork asked to Mel.

"Sure, I'm all fired up." Mel beamed.

"To the shuttle bay!" Cork danced towards the lift. "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall."

Mel pulled out a hypothetical spray of frustration from her mind. Then a hyped spray of joy at it. "Could have been worse."

She joined the crew in celebration in the shuttle bay.

Remaining on the bridge sat the strict woman in the Captain's chair. "Regulations require someone to be on the bridge at all times."

She sat alone for a moment as all the crew had left for the shuttle bay.

"I'll follow regulations."

"What , ah, uh, what are you doing?" I suddenly find myself in some weird place. Some strict looking woman had pulled my ear to get me here from my work desk. She is leaving down a lift of some sort.

"Wish I knew where I was. If I recall I didn't fully describe the features of the ship while writing this." I said. I heard a locking door noise.

"It's a trap! I mean lock." I bang my hand on the wall.

I slowly turn around to sit in the Captain's chair.

"Now no reader can ever say I didn't sit in this seat." I'm in the chair. "After all, it's the thought that counts."

I, the author, began staring into the viewscreen of the beautiful space.

Adjourned Story.

Comedy Short Story by Mark S. Briggs.


End file.
